A Great Purpose

We do apologize for everything, we really meant you no harm.

This is a chapter from I Hear You Watching, my novel based on my experience with hearing voices and paranoia.

But you can jump in here! The “previously on” will get you up to speed.

Previously on I Hear You Watching…

Alex hears strangers following and mocking him wherever he goes. He turned his apartment upside-down looking for surveillance bugs. Talking to the police only hurt his credibility. Then the observers started discussing his heart rate and predicting his bodily movements and functions, and Alex suspected he was a pig in a slaughterhouse having a vivid dream of being human. But he tidied his apartment, and the observers declared their experiment over.

I close my eyes, feel the couch cradle my body, wonder where they’ll pull the chip from and what the tool will look like. Will it be as simple as tweezers in my ear or nose, or will I have to be sedated? Will I need stitches to close the removal site? Will it hurt?

“Guys, I don’t know what this was all about,” I say, “but what you’ve done seems wildly unethical. I’ll warn you, I only sound calm because I’m relieved it’s over. And exhausted. But I’m actually furious with you.”

“We understand. There is an explanation for everything. Sometimes research takes us places where, at first glance, it seems ill-advised to venture.”

I say, “Like The Three Christs of Ypsilanti.”

“I know I’ve heard of that. Remind me what it is?”

“Book, nonfiction. Three paranoid schizophrenic men each think they’re Jesus Christ. And they’re brought together to see what happens when their delusions are forced to confront each other.”

“Ah, yes, I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t read that one yet.”

I smile. “It’s fascinating. But spoiler alert: it doesn’t go well.”

“You’ve certainly done your research, Alex. That might explain how you fared in this particular study. I look forward to sitting down with you to record your side of all of this.”

“Well, come and get it while it’s fresh. And before I decide I want revenge.”

A chuckle. “Yes, well, as I said, we need some time to get our things together. We’ll be over to see you shortly.”

“I’ll be here.” Such a big smile. Such a sunny day. If it wouldn’t bother the other tenants, I’d move my couch out onto the terrace and drink a beer or two, smoke, while waiting at the top of the stairs. I’d eventually see them round the corner in their suits or lab coats, carrying their bags of equipment and notebooks. Ah, you’ve come out to greet us, Alex. Let’s hold our interview session out here. It is a beautiful day. We do apologize for everything, we really meant you no harm. He’d point to a man with a tool belt. Our technician here will enter your apartment—with your permission, of course—to remove our devices from your home. He can do this while I fill you in on what this was about. You may find it hard to believe at first, but by the time we’re through you will see that all of this has served a great purpose.

I get up and fry some eggs. I picture myself giving speeches to publicize the injustice and prevent it from happening to others. TV appearances. I’ll look back on this and laugh. Despite their apparent change of heart, my observers might be imprisoned. I’ll testify against them. I’ll sit on the stand and stare at their faces, which they’d kept hidden for so long. They’ll look like complete strangers.

Start small, Alex, don’t get ahead of yourself. First, eat your eggs. From now on you will take better care of yourself. You will get more sleep at the appropriate hours. Eat better. You’ll only keep smoking as long as it takes for the residual waves of this experience to wear off. Like a shellshocked veteran, you’ll probably have moments among friends when you’ll stop to stare through the smoke, remembering the night you were followed, or the night you tore your apartment to pieces looking for hidden microphones. You’ll remember the blend of terror and relief you felt when they removed the chip that allowed them to read your heart rate and your thoughts.

I imagine recounting all of this to Lili over a glass of wine.

Unless they decide to wipe the experience from my memory. Would this be like cleaning a petri dish when the experiment is over? I am a container. They’ll scrape me out and put me back on the shelf, crystalline and clueless.

Maybe they’ll just make me sign a nondisclosure agreement, and I’ll have to keep it a secret for the rest of my life. But if this is truly the end, I’ll sign anything to make them go away.

Sure, vengeance and justice are preferable, but at the very least I’ve proven my strength. Despite their influence, I didn’t emerge as a pedophile or a racist or one prone to violence. I didn’t buckle.

That might have to be enough.

What a relief when they remove all the bugs, pluck all the blisters from my walls, and take the smoke detector away, take my computer and phone for a government-caliber spyware wipe, or simply replace them with brand-new, bug-free exemplars… I’ll open the blinds and tear the foil from the bedroom window. I’ll buy more ice cream just for the occasion. I’ll go on long walks every day through busy parts of town and smile into the eyes of each stranger I pass, because I’ll have emerged from this gauntlet with scientific proof that I am a good person.

Next on I Hear You Watching…

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