Maybe

I read the message again, then reread it.

Feb 04, 2025

This is a chapter from I Hear You Watching, my novel based on my experience with hearing voices and paranoia.

But you can jump in here! The “previously on” will get you up to speed.

Previously on I Hear You Watching…
Alex joined an adult hookup site to meet people and get over his sexual hangups. A video chat with a user named “Vanessa” ended with her recording Alex and threatening to post the video on Facebook if Alex didn’t pay. Alex exited the video chat and changed his password.

A black line drawing of Alex, the protagonist of "I Hear You Watching." He is white, short messy parted hair, glasses. He stares straight at you, unsmiling. His face is shaded as if he’s staring into a computer screen. Behind him is a photo of a bed and desk bathed in dim, blue light.

I check my Facebook account every few hours and change my password every day. I assume “Vanessa” has moved on, but another part of me thinks as soon as I stop changing my password she’ll be able to crack it.

I don’t log back in to the sex site, but I do check my dummy email account for message notifications in case she sends more threats.

After a few days I’m notified of a new message. Red text at the top of the email explains that the message was sent anonymously—a feature available for premium accounts. It says, Forgive me if I’m crossing a line here. I know your profile says you prefer women, but I wondered if you were open to the idea of receiving a blowjob from a man. If you close your eyes, it doesn’t matter who’s doing it. ;) Again, I don’t mean to offend.

I read the message again, then reread it.

This can’t be “Vanessa” trying a bizarre new tactic. It’s likely a real proposition. From a man.

I’m flattered to think he saw my profile and went out on a limb.

Is it difficult for him to find gay partners? Has he been through a similar wringer as me, and now we’ve got the option as two timid sex site rejects to settle for each other’s company?

Or is this a kink that exists, homosexual sex with a heterosexual partner?

Has he seen the profiles of gay men claiming to be “clean,” and does he not believe them? If so, why would a heterosexual man be any different?

Maybe I remind him of someone he longs to have back or could never have. An unrequited schoolyard crush, or someone with whom he used to exchange secret pleasures.

If he’s still in the closet, maybe he feels I won’t lecture him on the merits of coming out. Maybe he assumes I’d be embarrassed to receive oral sex from another man, and finds solace in our equal footing as two people with a secret to keep.

Something in my profile might imply that I’m in the closet myself and in need of a nudge in the right direction, permission from a stranger to live my truth.

Maybe he intends to get as far as the act itself, then slit my throat and bite off my penis to keep in a jar on a shelf with others he’s collected over the years. Or he’s a serial killer on the verge of self-realization, and mine would be the inaugural genitals of his collection.

Or maybe he isn’t even gay—maybe he just quit smoking and ran out of gum.

He could’ve written the message in his sleep and he’ll be horrified to realize it tomorrow.

Or it was actually written by a six-year-old girl copying sentences from a novel she found on her parents’ shelf. Or sent by a parrot someone taught to type.

I log in, and respond that I’m flattered by the offer but that I’m looking for something mutual. And I apologize, because his being a man makes reciprocation unappealing to me.

I remember “P. erectus” again and feel dizzy.

But I thank him for the kind message.

Ships in the night.